Mid-life crisis at 20

I’m sure all great blogs don’t start with a 20 year old experiencing something similar to a mid life crisis, but unfortunately today folks, thats what you’re going to get. Pretty sure nobody is going to see this anyway, with the internet as huge as it is, I’m one tiny fish in an enormous sea of people much bigger and interesting than myself. Don’t feel like there’s anyone else I can talk to about this as they just don’t understand, or they just see me as obnoxious and arrogant.

I tried to make a vlog. That may have been a bit more interesting, but I moved a couple of months ago and I have no idea where any of my cameras are, let alone their individual chargers. I tried using my MacBook’s webcam, but alas, I was fuzzy and completely out of sync, and I wouldn’t of known how to edit it anyway!

So I’m a 20 year old third year university student living in Ipswich, Suffolk. I spent the beginning of my life living in the same house in London for 18 years, so moving to Ipswich for uni was a biiiiiig change. I spent all of my life wanting to grow up and to go to university, but now I’m here, finishing my degree, and all I keep thinking to myself is what the hell am I doing with my life?

I did rather badly in my A levels due to unforeseen circumstances affecting my attendance in my second year of college. This forced me to choose a degree that I could get into, rather than one I actually wanted to do, as I felt this insane pressure that I HAD to go to uni and that there was no other option. I’m pretty sure I would of disappointed my parents if I hadn’t gone, and they already seem disappointed in my choice of boyfriend.

At the time I was convinced that this degree was something I really wanted to do, and I really enjoyed my first year, but when it came to my second and now final and third years, everything has become so monotonous, and feels like I could of done this as a college course. Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing really well grade wise, I just feel so unmotivated and uninspired.

What worries me more is job prospects. I went for an interview for an internship the other week, where I had about a 50% chance of getting one of three roles, and guess who didn’t get the job? Me. I never had prepared so much for an interview for my life, and if I can’t even get an internship with a 50% chance of getting a role, how the hell am I going to find a job where I’m 1 in 100 applying for it?!

I just don’t know how I’m going to afford rent, bills and council tax. I have a part time job at a supermarket, but I can see little opportunity to become full time or even progress to a higher role in the current store I’m in. I can’t even apply for the graduate training scheme at the supermarket I work at, even if I get a 1st classification in my degree, as I don’t have 300 UCAS points.

I’m just feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, trying to manage my time between uni assignments including my dissertation, my part time job, trying to lose weight, my volunteering (I’m a Rainbow leader), my house work, and trying to have a tiny bit of a social life. I’m so exhausted all the time, even when I get a 10 hour sleep, I can’t get up in the mornings, and I used to be an evening person, but I get into a tired state really early now too.

To top it off I’ve got a really bad cold making me feel rubbish, and this is the third one in two months. I’ve booked a doctor appointment for Monday to get a blood test to see if there’s anything wrong with me, as I might need to take some supplements or something. Fingers crossed.

Rant over for now. Pinky promise I’m not always this miserable. Apologies if you’ve made it this far.

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